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Scenes We'd Like To See: Series 12, Episode 1
The following is a guide to the Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions made in the first episode of the twelfth series. Key * HD - Hugh Dennis * CA - Chris Addison * MJ - Milton Jones * AP - Andy Parsons * KR - Katherine Ryan * JW - Josh Widdicombe Topics Unlikely Things To Hear In A Cosmetics Commercial JW - Do you want tighter, smoother skin? Why not try getting fat? HD '- For a rich, all-over tan, get into a bath David Dickinson's just got out of. '''AP '- Do you suffer from low self-esteem, feel like a failure, think you can't go on? Then take 200 Nurofen. That should do the trick. '''CA - Maybe she's born with it. Maybe she got it off that guy in Ibiza. MJ '''- Now Daphne here's wearing a lot of concealer... Daphne? '''KR - What's my secret? I murdered my first husband. AP - Want thicker, fuller lips? Then try telling a nightclub bouncer he's a twat to his face. HD - Clinique: 'Cause "clinic" reminds you of chlamydia and stuff. MJ - (Imitates putting on mascara) This eyeliner really works (Imitates licking a brush) and it tastes good too. That's why we call it "Chicken Tikka Mascara." JW - I'm Dean Gaffney, and I'm worth it. KR - We don't test any of our products on animals. We use Filipino children. AP - Is your man hairy all over? Then why not try "Head, Shoulders Knees and Toes"? HD - New anti-wrinkle cream for men. My scrotum has never felt so smooth. AP - For the most relaxing bubble bath imaginable, why not have a little cheeky wank when you're in there? JW - Do you dream of longer, fuller lashes? Then you should try re-evaluating your priorities! CA - Sweaty from the tube, frizzy hair from the rain, black snot: she's got the London look. HD - Three steps to a better skin: No crisps, no chips, no burgers. Unlikely Things To Hear On Dr Who AP - When I was giving you a quote as your cleaner, Doctor, I was giving you a quote from the outside. HD - There isn't going to be a new doctor, I'm being replaced by a helpline. MJ - That is the last time we park the TARDIS outside the Portaloos at Glastonbury! CA - Davros we meet again. Oh: Lord Sugar, I'm so sorry KR - Hey, saw you across the TARDIS and I think I regenerated in my pants. HD - (as a Dalek) Doctor, Doctor, you must help me. I think I'm a pair of curtains. CA - Tragic news about the Ood. There's been a flood, they tried to escape into the wood, but it didn't do any good, and now they're all dood. MJ - No, I'm the doctor who works for the World Health Organisation. CA - Yes, I mainly hang around young women. Yes, I was on television in the 1970s. Where are you going with this? HD - You've got to believe me, Clara, this is our best chance. Now unzip my flies and I'll explain later. AP - Let's go forward in time by an hour, then we get a quid off the pizza. JW - Now the first thing to remember on Planet Xenon is turn off data roaming. MJ - We are ten million years in the future. H. G. Wells has just got married. CA - (Imitating Dalek voice) You are the doctor. I am the tracheotomy patient. AP - I am the doctor, I am 1200 years old. And this is my assistant who's 27. Category:Scenes We'd Like To See